Futile.
Aug 12th, 2010 8:38 pm

I wanted to speak with him, before it's too late.

But I can't reach him.



I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of despair and fear and lonely. I want it to quit.

Just so tired.

Coward.
Jul 29th, 2010 1:42 am

as the time gets nearer, I feel less and less like me. more just empty, eaten out, broken vessel of someone who is not here anymore.

I guess I can't stop hoping. I have the means, and I have some of the will to end this void, before things even settle, really. there is no me left in this numb pain. what if -I- make the wrong thing, what if -I- mess up? maybe I should not go there... then again - what if I have to protect him?

I don't know what to do!

I said I would survive him. but I think I will not.

in a way, I already desire to see the dawn. I have nothing left. I am tired.

Labyrinth.
Jul 25th, 2010 1:29 am

My mind changes so often. From so sure to so weak.

I find this pain satisfactory. At last.... Deserved. From what thoughts I had, how dark... Maybe I will get more. Maybe I will deserve more. Maybe we both can feel better.

In a way, he already destroyed me. I do not like these things I do. But... maybe, I should not like any of the things I've done for him, anyway.

There is no innocence left in me. I can't believe in it anymore than honor.

Remembering.
Jul 21st, 2010 12:05 am

Being alone doesn't suit me. It suits me even less if I have a lot to worry about.

I've been remembering all sort of stuff that's happened here. Mostly with him. Even if it was a lie. Some things I've rather not remembered and thought in another light, to be frank. But I want to let go. It's why I called him, I think. Or left a message...

Some things I love to remember. Tormenting, as well.

I miss and need him so fucking much.

I don't know. I try to keep hoping, but then at the same time, I fear more... That this is all we had. And it wasn't much.

And I have bitterer thoughts, that... maybe, I wouldn't even care what he did anymore, unless there were this... situation. That he doesn't care either. He cares of his family and his work. Even if it dooms him...

I dunno. It's not like I would want to believe that, or that I thought it when he visited me, but I somehow keep telling myself that it might be like that. It's so difficult to trust him. It's so bitter to wait here alone.

I'm so many things at the same time. Angry. Sad. Worried. Bitter.
Hopeful, maybe, too. But it feels desperate.


I don't want to be alone now.

It feels like I've been alone and waiting all my life.

Sanity?
Jul 17th, 2010 3:10 am

I'm losing it, I think.

Lost.
Jul 12th, 2010 6:54 am

I was following him, but he doesn't know if he's going to the right direction, does he? I don't want to follow who he is following. He was so sure, and now he seems... lost. And yet he goes and leaves me here waiting? When we still could be together... How can I even protect him if he is not with me?

Who knows these things, who should I trust and help in this, to save him. Us? Should I follow him into destruction?

I don't understand. I have never felt this helpless and alone. Even when he was here, I felt alone with him. Maybe I have been alone with him all the time, and never before realized it.

I don't want to go on anymore. He is my passion, his determination was my strenght, and now he is gone.

Violent thoughts.
Jul 5th, 2010 6:06 pm

She misunderstood me. It was not a threat. It was a promise. And she left me a room for doubt, when she should've lied with clear eyes and reassure me.

Maybe I should fix the problem before it even forms. I can't say the thought wouldn't satisfy me in some level. So much anger and frustration boiling up... I feel more like a killer and a beast and less like a human.

Oh, I suppose I must help them. To help him. All I really want is me and him to be safe again. Things back to how they are supposed to be... this will happen.

And if things are returned to how they are supposed to be... some people will have a shitload of trouble on their way.

There will be blood.

Death of a poet.
Jul 2nd, 2010 9:16 pm

"Possessive love arrives,
it locks the door behind it
and settles in forever,
always predictable.

Love arrives,
it leaves its luggage
by the door,
in case worse comes to worst,
but it still undresses.

Passion arrives, first it lights
a hundred candles, then pulls
the door off its hinges and
breaks the windows.
Leaves everything, everything
to the care of the wind."

Silence.
Jun 30th, 2010 7:54 am

How can I protect those I cannot even see?

I keep leaving the messages, but I don't know if he even gets them anymore. I can't count how many times I have called and got directed to the voice mail.

I'm more and more afraid on his behalf. There is less room for myself in my head. Just need and worry and unpleasant feelings.

I have never feared anything this much. Before him, I maybe have never even feared at all. It's a void inside me.

Sometimes I think he might be already gone... would I even know?

It's desperation.

Waiting.
Jun 28th, 2010 5:49 am

I would not want to need her, but there isn't anyone else really. Even if he were around he wouldn't... I wonder if things are better since the last call? I don't know.

I am waiting. I am always waiting. It makes me angry, sometimes. I would want to cut the strings of this dependence like I cut the sinew and chords and muscles when I break other things to pieces. Would I be different without it? Maybe...

Music room is getting dusty. But I don't have any desire to play.

I feel insignificant. Like a no-person. This is not me.