BB: Giving It Away
Dec 7th, 2009 8:33 pm

He's right. I'm acting like a kine woman. I acted on emotion. I trusted without regard for consequence and we may all pay for it. I gave it for free. It's just a matter of time before it wraps around to bite me in the ass.

I fucked up. Boinky's right about that too, though. I keep trying to be perfect and when I make a mistake it crushes me. But, this was a really fucking big mistake. Fuck.

I think I covered the bases with Kay. Hopefully it will dissipate before it kills us all and it stays buried. We can't afford the truth to come out. It's been tough enough to keep them out even when Dougie was still around, but they were afraid of him then. Who are they afraid of now? The Camarilla? That's laughable. Power mongers. They don't even understand what this place is. How important it is.

Maybe it's time for a visit to Paradise. Start picking up the pieces and see what's left and who's on who's side. Fuck, I don't think I can bring myself to go back there. I just...I can't lose it again. We can't lose this. At least Kevin knows why now.

Why was it so hard for me to trust Kevin but easy to trust Eerik? What is wrong with me...?

BB: These Times, They Are A' Changin'
Dec 7th, 2009 3:10 pm

Sometimes unlife catches you off guard. It snatches you, chews you up and spits you the fuck out like you were cud. I got spit out a couple times. I stopped believing that life was worth anything. Stopped hoping. I had nothing to live for except the next brawl and when the shit hit the fan I was the first one to the front lines.

A person can be scary when they've got nothing to lose. I've done my fair share of killing. I've done my fair share of surviving too. In a way, I've gotta' thank the Beast for that. It helped me pull through more often than I'd like to admit. The desperate need to live, but now I've got something else to keep me going.

Someone's there that's not just the voices in my head. Tangible. He seems so alive.

I'm not sure whether it's a strength or a hindrance. Guess we'll see.

BB: The Rush
Nov 20th, 2009 5:18 pm

I feel sooooo good right now. It's like I forgot how great it feels just to be in the moment. To fight without anger or irritation and instead fight for a positive reason.

The guy held up pretty well. I mean there were some rookie mistakes, but at least he could take a hit. He did better than any other neonate I've tussled with. Hopefully he'll listen to my pointers.

Man, I'm thinking clearly. I feel how I did two years ago. The spark is back and maybe this all isn't as hopeless as I thought.

Now if I could only get Kevin to understand that he needs to play the game and stop telling everyone how it's their fault he's failing, we'll be golden. Things will get better. Too bad every time I see him I want to punch his fucking teeth in.

I just want to shake him and say, "YOU ARE NOT BAD ASS! YOU ARE LIKE A FUCKING YEAR OLD YOU IGNORANT FUCK." Really, he'd probably just turn around and tell me it's my fault he doesn't know shit. I mean hell, I gave him the books. I've sparred with him. I've kept him up to date on anything he might -need- to know. Fuck, man. Too bad Nads isn't around to slap the ego out of him.

I can't believe she just fucking let him loose. That is some irresponsible shit. Fuck.

I don't think he gets it yet. We have protection where we are...and if that gets fucked up, we're all fucked. We'll either have to move on or die trying to keep a foot hold in this God forsaken place.

For every warrior there is a time to fight and there is a time to lay low. Dougie understood that. Cliff knows it. Fuck even Trent gets it.

I don't know how to get through to him. When I try all I get is smug "I know better than you" bullshit then three seconds later he's screaming how no one will help him. Fuck, dude. Why would we? You act like you're the fucking shit and don't even show respect to your fellow anarchs. It's not like I haven't told you you got to be Baron by default.

At this rate, he'll lose it. Cheryl's chomping at the bit for St. John's and to tell you the truth, if she wasn't a raging lesbian cunt and would have all the boys killed off...I'd follow her. She's vicious but smart. That's what he's lacking, the common fucking sense. That and that anything he does affects us all.

When you get to the grain of what Dougie taught me, our side of the fence isn't just about fighting "the Man." The system of the Camarilla isn't bad in theory. It's just poorly executed. It's a broken system. We're not fighting the Camarilla, we're opposing those that abuse it. We're refusing to be a part of something that's so easily manipulated to the favor of our scheming elders. I think Kev just sees the "rage against the machine" and not the purpose.

I don't know how to explain that to him either. Like I said, after the meeting bullshit I don't want to be anywhere near that prick.

Fuck you, dude. I was up being tortured while protecting you fuckers. You can blow me.

BB: Now what?
Nov 3rd, 2009 3:33 pm

I haven't been paying attention.

Kaylee's sire was right, I mean...I understand why they would keep us out of the loop. We were a liability. I'm just...I'm still so angry. And they keep coming. The Camarilla just keeps pouring in. We've got Torries coming out the ass now. This city is starting to feel like somewhere I don't belong.

Somewhere we don't belong. I need to talk to Hunter. This isn't right anymore. It's not safe either.

Dougie protected us. He knew how to play the game. I don't even know how to teach Kev to. I don't know how to myself, nor do I want to. It's not like I can take Baron back now and even if I did, what good would it do? I'm not Dougie. I don't know what he knew. I feel like going back to L.A. is the best place for us right now. I mean Hunter's never been. It'll kinda' be an eye opener for him, though. This place is ridiculously tame in comparison.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. After the party I realized just how much we don't belong here. We're not them. I never want to be them. All the fake smiles and small talk. I mean, I was happy just playing video games with Hunter...and then that singer appeared.

I ached. It stole away that moment of happiness which is already so rare and they all just applauded as if it was the best thing they'd ever heard. It was sickening. If that's the world they live in I never want to be a part of it. Ever.

Fuck, I need to talk to Cliff. Maybe he'll have some insight. He always does.

BB: The Saint and the Devil
Sep 17th, 2009 8:12 pm

I think Boinky was wrong. He's not my salvation. He's not my foundation...

I'm his damnation. I can't do anything right. I just want to protect him, most of all from myself. From what I've become. What have I become?

I've never been a "good person." I tried to tell him that. I tried so hard to explain even as a kine I was vicious. I was a survivalist. Maybe that's the real reason I was chosen. I already exhibited aspects of what we are. It doesn't really matter, I guess. I am what I am. I am what I have always been. A monster in the disguise of a nineteen year old girl. What a joke.

They both say I can't let "it" win. What is "it" though?

Dougie used to tell me that the Beast was my greatest enemy and my greatest ally. He always had such wise words. He'd sit me down and hand me a cigar and say, "Beatrix, my girl. There are only two things in this world you have to be scared of. Yourself and how you deal with -you-. It's healthy so stop worrying about all the other shit. Who are you? And how are you going to deal with it?" Granted, half the time we'd have one of these sit downs I had no fucking clue what he was saying. Fucking accent.

In truth, though, I think the Beast is who I really am. It's not separate. It's the me that's always been trying to get out. I tried to drown it in alcohol and drugs. Make it disoriented and malleable. It helped at times, but then he showed up. There was so much hope. There was goodness in him that I thought had been lost to any of our kind. Sure we have comradery, but there is little more loyalty than what is topical...but he really believed in it. He believed in uniting us. That we could be better than what we've become. I wanted to believe him, but at the same time...I wanted to show him the truth of how things really are. I think it was indignance that this boy had managed to somehow remain so untouched by the cruelty and brutality of our world. That against everything his "goodness" remained intact. Maybe I was jealous.

So I showed him hints. The Newfoundland Cockfight. The slathering fuckers that practically got off on merely bludgeoning the shit out of each other. The rules have always been "no fuckers die," but deep down we all know that's what we want to see happen. It's like the humans and Nascar. You don't go to watch a race, you go to see a crash.

Even seeing that, his views didn't change. They didn't change after the meeting either. He seemed angry that the riot had started, but...his hope was still there. That undying hope. I don't understand it. Every time I would return he'd just help bandage me up and say he was sorry he wasn't there. That he was a weakness and he tried so hard to grow strong. Then the day came where I didn't want to tell him about the grotesque and twisted things.

I didn't want him to know about the murders of our "brothers" in the North. I couldn't bear to tell him what I and the anarchs he shared jokes with had done. There was something inside of me that needed to protect him from the monstrosity. I don't know why, but it was there...and I hated myself for it.

And then the massacre of Paradise happened. I degenerated to nothing more than a ravenous creature kept in a dark pit...and I wasn't the only one. They threw us children and we tore them apart limb from limb just to get a chance to survive. One day, the children stopped being tossed down and we turned on each other. I became something more true to what I am. Something vicious. Something pure in its own way. Then the strongest of us rose up and we threw the remaining weak at those giggling fucks. We had become what they wanted us to be, but I don't think even the Hand understood what that meant. I don't remember how we got to the woods. I barely even remember how we got back to St. John's...but there he was. Almost immediately he was there for me. This evil and monstrous thing. This thing I wanted to be. I felt so free..and then he hugged me and I realized what I had done.

I don't think I can ever explain the level of remorse and hatred I felt that night. I was completely disarmed and emotional. I hate being emotional. I hated myself and I wanted to return to the way I was, but I couldn't. I couldn't rip his throat out. I was so hungry. I could have eaten him, I wanted to eat him and hear his screams and feel the shock and fearful realization of betrayal. I just couldn't do it.

The struggle began again. Who I am and who I wanted to be for him. Not for him..but for that hope he had. He still believes I'm better than what I am. I want to believe it to. I just want to protect him...and all I'm doing is clawing him down into the pit of what we are. Into the brutality. He's a saint and I'm the devil...and the devil won a battle. God, I hope it doesn't win the war.