Madalena: Singularity
Jun 14th, 2010 4:16 pm

The message is here. It is coming. The others have seen the glimpses, heard the whispers. But they have not known the message, the real message. It bleeds in my mind, and with every slumbering hour I feel myself standing at the very edges of what is soon to come.

It is not on the horizon like many pre-suppose. It is here, right now, it is just cloaked in a veil of shadow that is gradually lifting soon to be fully revealed. When I sleep I heard the wraiths sucked into Oblivion screaming in torment nightly. What the rest of the parasitic creatures we are do not understand is: our own reckoning is not just coming, it is now. But the message still has not arrived to all their minds. They do not understand it, but they will soon enough. Their minds will bleed like mine own.

How can I tell her that I have lost all hope? There is no going back to what I was. I have made a foolish and grave error out of my seeking knowledge. Seeking to obliterate my ignorance within a matter that should never have been fully contemplated, coupled with idle curiosity that doomed me completely. It has more control over me now, but I think even it fears more what is to come than I do. And why not? There are far more vicious parasitic monsters out their than it. While I slumber it seems to be trying to solve the equation. I realize now that my own tenuous hold has loosened greatly.

Kaylee, I just need you by my side, I am not sure how to endure this, or if I even have the strength left to do so. Every passing night I feel my strength depleting. When I slumber longer and wake I feel a little stronger. Maybe, if I sleep long enough and wake, I will regained enough strength to start taking action. Albeit, while I sleep it may take over my shell once more, and I do not know what it will do. Its preoccupation seems to be the equation. Why? I haven't solved it but I already realized the answer, I think. Novus macro-singularis.

Madalena: Irritants
May 22nd, 2010 1:23 pm

Removing myself from the political machinations and social posturings of the small ones of this city was perhaps the best thing I could have done on a selfish level for myself. I hated it, I always did and always have, always having to deal with their petty idiocy and repeated nauseating whining as if they ever mattered. Decades of hearing such things would probably be a fitting Hell for the Super Nanny, because this damn of childer chose more often to whine than act.

Something happens they don't like, so they cry about it and act all uncertain what to do, I loathe it. Always have, always will, reclusion within the depths of Elysium among the elders, far more satisfying. Simple really, stay quiet, be respectful, don't bother them, speak when spoken to. Need information? Offer a tithe for their trouble. Simple. Understandable. Reckoning.

But after that talk last night, I had hoped that one in the same position I was would understand. But there was no understanding, and it saddened me greatly. Why? What is so hard to understand? Even Cole Harper was mentioned again, surprising to me, I haven't thought about that fool for a long, long time. And why should anybody? He was a small man and a poor Primogen who did nothing for the High Clans, the elders saw it plainly, and so when the opportunity came - I saw to his removal from a seat of power he never knew how to use to begin with.

What was truly sad was referring to Kaylee's actions as a betrayal. Really now. That is insulting. Truly, who was she going to side with? Her lover? Or. A mere friend? Even a little toddler should be able to figure out that mathematical equation easy enough. She chose to "betray" a very poor friend for the one she loves. How can this act be something so difficult for people to understand? Betraying the one she loves would have been a vastly greater betrayal than a poor friend who did nothing but condescend her. Anyone who cannot understand that is a short-sighted fool.

The entire talk begun to make me think, perhaps I was wrong not to fight back for my lost position. Regardless of my preoccupation with far more important matters that I still work on these nights. Still, perhaps I should have set about my own little campaign rather than turn my back on it all. But then again, that would mean I would have to deal with more neonate petty squabling, and fuck that headache. No, I made the right choice. Reclusion, and isolation. It has been far more satisifying. I can focus on what really matters, what always mattered. And then, these neonates will at last understand.

Madalena: Undeath
May 21st, 2010 3:09 pm

They don't understand it, but I see them seeing me. When I dwell within Elysium these nights amongst their ancient presence, it's not their eyes I feel it's the eyes behind their eyes I feel. Bestial creatures more ancient than I care to fathom staring into what is inside out. But they don't know that is what they see and what is seeing through their own eyes, or maybe they do and they chose to ignore it or maybe they no longer care.

The other neonates will never understand just how close beneath skin who they really are is. They may think they know, but they don't know, not like this. To actually feel yourself beneath your own skin, to know your own shell is not yours it belongs to another aspect of what you are. Do any of them even know what it means to have you talk to you but it is not you it is the real you, speaking to you as though you were someone else?

The whispers, they are not simple whispers, they are directions. But, where exactly are they trying to lead me? There are no answers only directions.

It knows - I know - I understand it and feel it, but the blind foresight of this shell doesn't comprehend what I know beneath my own skin. There isn't enough blood. I give my own and drained several, too many sacrifices but there is never enough. What sacrifice is the proper sacrifice? It is blood, it is always blood. It is flowing like a river mouth into the sea. The whispers aren't saying enough, the blood won't clot, it won't stop flowing, and I can't keep up with its current. It will never stop flowing.

The vision isn't done yet, but I can almost see it. The blurs are becoming sharper, and the scene will soon be seen for my eyes seeing through my eyes to fully understand.

This is what it means to be a vessel. When will this journey be over? Will it end? No. There is no end. Not like I know it, but I inside knows it.

Madalena: Sacrifice
Apr 30th, 2010 4:57 am

Studying, seeking, researching, writing, and creating the grandest of all equations. I have studied many things, and reached deep into knowledge that no mere neonate has ever touched upon, even among my own blood. But this, what I have been tasked to research now is not for my eyes, not for any of ours.

Weaving our powers within Thaumaturgy it is truly an equation that any scientist and sorcerous Tzimisce would envy; and an art form that is far beyond the provincial comprehension of a simple artist or grandiose Toreador. With Thaumaturgy we possess a wealth of power to mountainous heights. But I fear we reached for stars this time that are far beyond our earthly grasp.

While studying, reading to fulfill the tasks given me, I feel its eyes staring through mine. It feels like I am looking through my own eyes but as though I am another within my shell and that my shell is not my own. I hear these whispers, I know what they are and I know now what they are saying, but I do not believe them - not entirely. I hear its words, I hear them within my mind for they are my own, I am it. There are times when reading, it is not me reading, it is reading, but I understand the words as though it were truly me reading.

The sum of the equation surprises me less than the creation itself. For will-working at this level blood is needed, blood is always needed. It is a generating life force, and vitae is a mystical essense from which all can be manipulated and wrought into being. It is the divisions, muliplications, additions, subtractions, and equals of all our will-works to bring miracles into reality. Blood is always the sacrifice.

She knows something is wrong, she can see it in my eyes every time we are together. Some times it is not even I who is gazing back into her eyes, it is - gazing back at her... and that terrifies me. I told her that my condition will pass, which is a lie, I do not know if it ever will, but to see her worry crushes my heart and it crushes my heart even more knowing that she knows I am lying to her.

This path I have been ordered to walk I do not want to any longer. I only do it to keep up the fascade that I am still attached to their leash. However, because I still walk their path the leash that is no longer there may as well be an invisible one. But, how do I turn away at long last?

Madalena: Apostate
Apr 10th, 2010 6:48 am

Is it really freedom? For something to be free, there can be no cost, no price to pay. I am free to say and do as I will without the weighted gaze of those far older; but being caught doing so means paying a heavy price. A cost I am not willing to pay. Before it was mindlessness, blind loyalty, now it is put upon and pretended - posing. The blood was theirs and have claim to it, but it is no longer theirs as it is disconnected from them.

I severed it from them.

What am I apart of now? Her. I am apart of her now, and that is all that matters to me any more. Looking back on my past ambitions, they seem so trivial now - never truly important. However, if a clanmate heard me speak like that, it would likely earn me a severe lecture or reprimand. As if they could do any worse to me at this point other than Final Death. As if it would matter, funny enough my greatest achievement I accomplished with my blood is one that they will never know about. To blind one is a parlor trick, but to conceal yourself from the gaze of all of them - that is artwork, and sadly the true gravitas it takes to have the level of audacity for what I did, likely will never be appreciated.

It's funny, but I laugh at myself every time I think back to it. For love or loyalty? That was what I forced to decide, love or loyalty. Risk it all, give it up, all for someone you value more than yourself. Or, choose loyalty, to remain within the protected confines of the blood to survive, to endure, to realize ambition over time without risk. For a long time I thought I would choose the latter, always. Perhaps I don't myself as well I once thought I did. And you know, there is a solace in that, that maybe you're not quite as linear you once thought, and that you can still after so many years can surprise yourself.

Why love over loyalty? In the past, I perhaps would have mocked such a decision. But now, I'd ask: Why not? What else is there?

Madalena: Loss
Jan 22nd, 2010 12:31 am

I have not shed tears like that in so many years.

To start over again from the literal square one... He said in time it will change, I could regain my position... How is that even possible? How can I regain what I lost? Never have I regretted losing focus on the very thing you have berated me about since my Embrace til now, Lydia. But it is all too late now, it nearly cost me everything, and soon it may cost me my very unlife. How is there any coming back from such a loss and disgrace, from not just a first but a second time? The knowing that all I have learned, all the knowledge I have gained and all of the accomplishments I have achieved to help further the House in this city, no longer means anything to them, I no longer mean anything - that I am nothing.

But, at least now through it all it shown me where my heart truly lie.

You are all that matters to me, Kaylee... All that ever mattered.

Madalena: Understanding
Nov 16th, 2009 11:51 am

I love this, I love it all. It is all so beautiful, from where all is positioned, win or lose, I understand it and accept it. To see, to comprehend the why of how it all played out, somewhat straight into my hands - it is splendid.

On either side, they have done us all a favor. Well, 'they' is a bit inaccurate, isn't it? Just one. It was just one who made the arrogant slip up, and now the currents of the waters are flowing precisely in the direction that they should be for a change.

It would be an immense lie if I said the shadow games I have played and lost did not frustrate me. However, there are always more games to play, and I have won my fair share since my losses.

But this game, I only see victory... for me.

Have I finally lived up to being the Childe you hoped for, Lydia?

Madalena: Sheep
Jul 1st, 2009 10:36 am

The second I decided ban the Anarch Fool from Elysium for his antics, I knew someone was going to bring up the time I popped out a glass-eye I was using months ago. I saw it coming a mile away. It was more than expect, and thus prepared for. It amazes me just how sheepish some of these Kindred are still suckling at the dregs of Cadmon's bullshit.

Really, popping out a glass-eye is a near Masquerade breach? Really? By that line of logic every mortal out there who has a glass-eye is a potential Masquerade breach, because they might take it out in public. Peter Falk, who played one of my personal favorite detectives, had a glass-eye and was known on occasion between takes to pop out his glass-eye to scratch his eyeless socket because his glass-eye would start to irritate him. Not all that uncommon of a thing for some who have a glass-eye. By this bunch of neonate bozos within this city, he breached the First every time he did so. How stupid does that sound?

The eccentric old man that lived down the street from me in Lisbon when I was a little girl, who'd pop out his glass-eye and chase little children to give them a scare - according to the retards of this city he just breached the First. Where was Lisbon's Sheriff Eloy then? That old bastard should have been killed years ago for breaching the First.

I swear to God, these bozos were truly Cadmon's flock of sheep to believe THAT was a potential risk to the Masquerade. It was just as I said then, Cadmon was just a horrible excuse for a Harpy and Nosferatu, who did not know what the hell was going on in this city over 90% of the time. He was so desperate for anything to gossip about, and even further out of his pathetic abilities as a Harpy, even that minuscule level of gossip he was able to obtain, he did not announce until nearly three weeks after the fact. And this is whose words these Kindred clung to? And some still do obviously. Seriously, they need to wake the hell up.

And then Cole's antics... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yes, it's because I don't like him, because I think he's smarter than me that it was arranged for him to be ousted as Primogen. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh yes, our current situations truly exclaims his intelligence over mine. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ironically I expected something more witty and intelligent from him when he finally cracked under the pressure of what had to be his seething disdain. But instead he reduced himself to the level of insults one would expect from a little child. In reality, I never held any grudges against him, he annoyed me with his constant passive-aggressive condescension, especially when he directed it towards Kaylee; but my actions were less out of vengeance and more out of using him as a sacrificial lamb to ensure my own survival.

Madalena: Fire
Jun 19th, 2009 6:42 am

I love it, I adore it, it is an expression for so much that I am not while contradictorily embodies everything I believe in. It is both something I do not have, yet I can create, control - enslave. I love it so. Fire is mine, it is mine to control - it belongs to me.

Fire - when it burns it cannot be ignored, its pain is thorough. Even the dead and those who are unable to feel the physical stimuli of pain - burning is something they cannot merely turn away from and forget. It is something painful, a thing to be feared, an existence to stay clear from, and yet admired and even beautiful in its way. It purges what is in its way, and even when gone - its scars remain, and are never forgotten.

Why, why, why, why, why? Likely that's all there is, so many rumblings of why. 'Boo-fucking-hoo' I say to you. If one cannot understand the nuances within this society of how often things move from behind the scenes, than I call them a fool, do to proving to be almost as bad as the Little Retard. Sometimes you see an opportunity, and you seize it, and become the greater for it. Other times the opportunity before you, you take both out of ambition and also survival, rather than deny it and damn yourself and your blood more. Those kinds of opportunities, there are no real choices - you do not dawdle or ponder the ethics, there is nothing ethical in this society anyway. You just do it. Fuck the one you screw over, you win, you survive. By seizing this opportunity, thankfully by not failing - I survived and I'm better for it. For now.

I, however, love watching the fallout of the hypocrisies from all sides. Oh, they scream in protest of betrayal and disloyalty, but I see them willing to sacrifice their own blood in the next instance. Or even let their so-called 'friends' vanish off the face of the earth and not even raise a voice or a care that they disappeared. It's all just so beautifully hilarious. In Kindred society there is no loyalty amongst friends and allies. Anarchs typically beg to differ, but dogs beg and that's what they are, they eventually learn the hard way a dogs loyalty is often negotiable to who has the better treats, or is simply redirected from learning a few new tricks having run back to their old masters - us. However, they could have kept the Anarch Whore, that was one of the wannabe-Harpy Nosferatu fool's failings - coddling such a worthless specimen.

Though while this may come across as melodramatic and sounding terribly naivete. There is only one way to truly obtain genuine loyalty. You find someone but only one, to hold onto, who will care for you, even love you, and for you to reciprocate those very things back to. It is an elating joy beyond compare. It is a fire I cannot control, that I do not have enslaved, and that I cannot snuff out by my will. I have two different flames, one I can conjure, and another that has consumed me entirely. I don't want to control it, I don't want to enslave it, I don't have any sort of will over it, I don't want it snuffed out. I want to see it burn bright - brighter - to the point her beauty is blinding, and burning so white hot she incinerates any by the approach let alone the touch.

If a Kindred truly wants genuine loyalty in this city, they have to be willing to set themselves on fire to get it. Such a commitment can see to their destruction, and so few are willing to go so far as to risk sacrificing themselves completely.

Madalena: Waiting
May 25th, 2009 4:14 am

It's been exactly two weeks now since putting an end to what was dampening our communications, powers, and the cause of our data loss. I know I must have pissed off more than a few of my elders for it, even more so those I silenced. I keep looking over my shoulder every night waiting for an Astor to either drag me off to Vienna, or simply put an end to me once and for all.

I wonder if word about it has reached Lydia, or if it has even effected her aspirations and ambitions. It would not surprise me if it has, an Apprentice - her Childe - sent to this godforsaken place challenged those old monsters in ritualistic combat; and even further more managed to decisively win.

I would think they would have labeled me a traitor by now and see to my end. However, old monsters see vengeance differently than the younger. They see it often like a wine, instead of a dish best served cold, but a wine - for it is best aged until perfect. There is probably no use dwelling on it. If it comes, it will, and I won't even likely know it. But God help me if I do, or if they want me to.

But I'll burn this fucking city down if anything happens to Kaylee for it. If the option were available at the time, I would have let all these damned inhabitants suffer under the effects of that ritual, and saved only my blood and Kaylee - if the option were available. Irritatingly it was not, and I was forced to bleed for them once again. The damned worthless merdes.

So instead, now all I can do is wait and feel inclined to ponder what fate awaits me at the hands of old monsters.