Remembering.
Jul 21st, 2010 12:05 am

Being alone doesn't suit me. It suits me even less if I have a lot to worry about.

I've been remembering all sort of stuff that's happened here. Mostly with him. Even if it was a lie. Some things I've rather not remembered and thought in another light, to be frank. But I want to let go. It's why I called him, I think. Or left a message...

Some things I love to remember. Tormenting, as well.

I miss and need him so fucking much.

I don't know. I try to keep hoping, but then at the same time, I fear more... That this is all we had. And it wasn't much.

And I have bitterer thoughts, that... maybe, I wouldn't even care what he did anymore, unless there were this... situation. That he doesn't care either. He cares of his family and his work. Even if it dooms him...

I dunno. It's not like I would want to believe that, or that I thought it when he visited me, but I somehow keep telling myself that it might be like that. It's so difficult to trust him. It's so bitter to wait here alone.

I'm so many things at the same time. Angry. Sad. Worried. Bitter.
Hopeful, maybe, too. But it feels desperate.


I don't want to be alone now.

It feels like I've been alone and waiting all my life.